The Abyss

This past Monday morning dawned like any other, and as I roused sleepily from my early morning slumber (yes, I mean very early morning - 6:00 am wake up alarm thank you very much!) I swung my legs around and stood, noting the sharp pain in my right ankle.

Hhhmmm, that doesn’t feel good I thought to myself through my groggy haze, but putting it down to my usual aches and pains from my sporting days didn't really think too much of it. I hobbled slowly to the shower but felt the sharp pain emanate through my heel and ankle with every step.

By the time I got to work, it was more than just painful, and felt decidedly tender.  I had loosened my laces on my shoes but by mid-morning but the pain was truly starting to throb and more than a little excruciating when at its worst.  For the remainder of the day I limped noticeably around the office with more than just a few enquiries and concerned looks as I shuffled by.

That night I took a couple of Tylenol so that I could try and at least sleep, however with every little movement no matter how inconsequential I seemed to wake. I checked my watch for the umpteenth time and it was already 3:30 am, unfortunately for me I hadn't had a wink of sleep and by now I was beside myself with frustration and pain… Damn it I thought to myself as I weakly tottered to the bathroom to down more Tylenol, I took a deep breath and sighed deeply as I thought about my hectic day ahead..."once more into the breach" I recited to myself as I limped back to bed.  

TW's ankles before the mysterious ankle swelling
episode

Tuesday dawned and I felt completely drained of energy, and after a quick shower and breakfast was once more on my way into the office.  My ankle had continued to swell and was now a beautiful shade of deep red.

As you could imagine I was a complete bear at work, grumpy and short tempered, and I dare say an absolute treat to be around…   Somehow I managed to get through the day without truly offending absolutely everyone, but the level of concern was sweet.

That night as I lay as I lay on my bed even the weight of sheet was painful on my aching ankle. ☹   At this point I realized that it was clearly beyond a simple strain and that I desperately needed professional help but at this hour (11:20 pm) the only option was to head to the emergency room at my local hospital.  Fortunately for me the hospital is only 6 blocks from home so it took me less than five minutes to drive, park and enter the front doors of the hospital.

Following the signs to Emergency I eventually found it at the back of the hospital.  Taking a number I sat with a handful of other people, clearly worse off than me which made me feel like a bit of an imposter, but with my throbbing ankle what choice did I really have.

As I sat there I realized that the emergency room is like being swallowed by a large, living organism.  (Stay with me now, as I think this analogy is spot on).  The Triage room is the mouth where you sniffed by the admitting nurse to make sure you're edible, once satisfied that you should be eaten you are indeed swallowed whole (or processed in their lingo).    

It took over an hour to see a nurse at Triage so that they could take down my basic information and validate my address, date of birth and health card number. This was followed by a lengthy and rather rudimentary list of questions.  "Have you been to a farm in the last 30 days? Have you been in contact with anyone who's been to a farm in the last 30 days?  Is this a workers compensation claim?" etc, etc...   As she asked me the countless series of questions she was busying herself hooking me up to the blood pressure machine and taking my pulse with a little clip on my finger.  

Once satisfied that I was truly in need of assistance she then processed me and sent me around the corner to yet another nurses station where all of my information was once again asked for and this time placed into the computer system.  This time I was given a bracelet like the ones you get at a concert, albeit this one had my name, medical card number, date of birth etc.  I guess now I had been truly swallowed by the organism and was sitting in its intestine...stewing!

From here I was directed across the hall to yet another waiting room until I could be sent to the actual emergency room.  The wait at this stage was another two hours, so if you're playing along at home that's just on three hours since I arrived at the hospital and I was still some distance from the actual emergency room and potential help.  

At around 2:45 am my name was finally called, hallelujah I thought as I limped toward the nurse who held out my file.  Follow the green dots she instructed, pointing to the large green dots on the corridor floor and turned to call another name, from her clutch of files.

Gratefully I shuffled down the hall as fast my good leg would take me, although I'm sure if I was in a race with a tortious I likely would have come a definitive second…

After following the dots I found myself standing in front of yet one more nurses station which had a sign that read “wait on the last green dot”, to which I did but feeling just a tad exasperated by this stage.

The hall leading into the emergency ward was packed with people with a range of maladies and illnesses, some obvious and others not so much.  I observed a lot of very long faces to which I would soon understand why!

Schools of fish swirling around the hungry sharks - anything to avoid being eaten!  
Analogy anyone?

Ten minute elapsed before a male nurse arrived, put out his hand and without a word eyed the contents of my file.  Hhhmmm he said almost under his breath, “take a seat and we'll be with you as soon as we can” he said gruffly.  “Okay” was all I could muster and soon found a seat relatively close to the nurses station, hoping that I'd be seen soon.

This was a great vantage point to observe the one doctor and one nurse on duty in this overfilled emergency ward.  Noting that they'd sometimes disappear for long stretches at a time before reappearing almost from nowhere bustling around and calling a new name, on average I reckon it worked out to be about four patients per hour.   

Newbies who joined the fun after me we relieved that they had finally been through all of the preliminaries and were now about to be treated, however that soon wore off and you could feel the air of frustration permeate the air.

The next two hours passed so incredibly slowly, with me being unable to find a comfortable position for my red and swollen ankle.  As I sat there, waves of pain would crash over me reasonably frequently and felt as though I was caught in a never-ending storm surge at sea. 

Eventually the doctor called my name and pointed me toward an examination room. "What’s up?" he asked cordially.  I'm now truly in the belly of the beast as I went on to explain for the third time what had transpired over the last 36 hours with regard to with my puffy, red angry looking ankle.  

Eventually he lifted my ankle gently in his two hands and pressed ever so slightly all around where it was obviously sore, with each push he asked if it hurt…”no not there”, “oh my god yes” there I said urgently as he pressed right on the most painful spot.

He put my foot down and said “I'm going to give you an injection to give you some relief from the pain, then I want you to go to your family doctor tomorrow”.  

I asked what he thought it might be,“well, it could be a lot of things”, he said seriously. Really, no I mean REALLY???  Could you be any more vague I thought?  So you're telling me that after 12 years in medical school that's all he could come up with?  I mean c'mon!

I was, by this stage completely flabbergasted, and I think he could tell that I was less than impressed with his half hearted answer.  He stood, turned on his heel and left the room, leaving me sitting on the table in a state of utter shock.

Fifteen minutes later the same gruff male nurse came in and asked if I was the one who needed the injection for pain, to which I just nodded.  He quickly rolled my sleeve, swabbing me hard, and jabbed me in one quick motion, “you're free to go” he said.

Five plus hours at the hospital (from 11:30 pm – 4:45 am) and the diagnosis was “go to your family doctor in the morning, here’s something for the pain”.  I now realized that indeed the healthcare system fits perfectly with my living organism analogy, and I had just been shit out the end…  

Prologue:
Having visited my family doctor the next morning she diagnosed "Enthesitis" which is an inflamed achilles at the attachment to the ankle.  I have a follow up Ultrasound booked for two weeks time once the swelling subsides.

Ganesh and bowl

When I met with my counselor Lisa this week she uncovered one of my obsessions (my words not hers) and specifically my close association with lists.  I guess over the years they have served me well, especially in a hectic and often chaotic business settings that I frequent.  Although now having grown accustom to creating lists for everything, I must admit that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I check something off.

It all started with a simple enough question - Lisa asked me about my week and my plans for the weekend.  I gave her a brief rundown on my “agenda” (another fancy name for a list!).  No surprise, it wasn't a small number of items that I rattled off, all the while Lisa is looking at me blankly as I rambled on…and on…and on.

She looked at me quizzically and asked if I felt stress or uneasy if I didn’t get through my list.  Simple question really…   I paused and reflected for just a moment before saying that sometimes even after checking all the things on my list I still didn't feel satisfied or content and that I generally coped best by starting a new list.  J

In fact, as we talked the more I realized that even after my hike up the Cholla Trail in Scottsdale a month ago although I had wanted to spend some time at the top of the mountain sitting quietly, taking the breathtaking views and centering myself I just couldn't settle and felt antsy the whole time. 

Retrospect is a wonderful thing, as now it seems that my “list” that day was to (1) hike the mountain later in the day to miss the heat, (2) take some time at the top before (3) making my way back to the hotel before sunset.  Simple things really, but a list none-the-less!

Was I really that crazy?  (Don't answer that!)

Ganesh - my bringer of harmony and peace...

After me establishing the fact that I have a small obsession with lists, the topic of conversation slowly turned to “time for me”, and whether I allowed myself time where I wasn't completely programmed either with work, kids, taxi service, or have a list on the go.  Craftily without answering her question directly and smiling my best smile I told her that I bought two items earlier in the year – a Ganesh and my Singing bowl to help me meditate and find connectedness.

So, she asked – “how’s that going for you?”   She always cuts to the chase with those simple little questions...   "Crappy" I told her honestly.  Why is that? she asked curiously  Well for one, the noise is so loud in my head that I can't sit still I told her.   She gave a knowing sigh and nodded, looking at me expectantly.   That’s it I said!  I’ve tried it but I'm a complete failure at it – perhaps there’s something wrong with me I said.  How come I can't find peace and harmony, or mediate at the drop of a hat like everyone else I offered weakly.   Lisa sat looking at me completely nonplussed.

Its obvious that my mind can't seem to quiet down I went on, the various voices and thoughts constantly running through my head are like being at a Led Zeppelin concert they're so loud, this is particularly true when I find myself in complete silence…like if I try and meditate…hhhmmm.

I've used my singing bowl on a few occasions, but even getting past a minute sitting in my basement on the mat, in the semi-darkness skimming the edge of the bowl is mentally challenging, although the sound is soothing I feel so impossibly restless…all the time!

My singing bowl - such a powerful and haunting sound that it creates
I love feeling the vibration run up my arm into my spine and head

Even having my Ganesh ever present isn't as peaceful as what I’d hoped.  Initially I had purchased him and the bowl at the same time from Snow Lion at Danforth and Pape.  My purchasing experience had been wonderful and I had high hopes that by seeing Ganesh every day that it would trigger the thoughts of peace and harmony in me and help coax me into a little mediation and perhaps a better mental space.

Easier said than done I’m afraid.  So far, I've been unsuccessful in effectively utilizing either Ganesh (although he is a particularly handsome little statue) or my singing bowl beyond a cursory whirl.  As you can tell by my tone I hate it when I’m unsuccessful at something!   Isn't it interesting that I feel the need to fill every waking moment with activity, accomplishments and getting things done, yet I desperately crave a moment or two of complete and utter peace and contentment not bound by the frenetic whirlwind I call my life.

Toward the end of our session we talked about the concept of "self care", and things that I do just for myself. She asked me to tell her what some of these were, but as I started out my self care list was embarrassingly sparse...   It was clear after rambling for sometime that Lisa was onto me.  Hence, my homework this week is to try and not make a list, but to just “be”, in whatever form that takes.  

Its Friday night and already I've caught myself a number of times planning what I've got to get done tomorrow and in what order (cos’ that just me).  Even as I sit here writing this weeks blog I’m really trying to not plan ahead but take it as it comes, but the very thought of going into a day without a set agenda, list or plan makes me completely jittery.  

So between no lists and trying to do some things just for me (which all sounds so decadent and a tad wasteful I might add), I think I'm in for an interesting time, especially beyond the weekend.  Adopting a new mindset was never going to be easy - if it was I'd already be there (yes, in Contentment-ville)  I'm sure I'll get over it, but this elusive little quest may take a while...deep breaths Terence, deep breaths!

Feel free to channel your inner thoughts to me, now say it with me "peace and contentment".

Conflict of Change

The concept of change is such an overused word isn't it?   I mean the very word creates a sense of stress and uneasiness in most people and that’s usually because it used primarily in a negative context.  Getting comfortable with the thought of change is, I dare say harder than actually the change itself.  Generally speaking I think I'm pretty comfortable with the concept of change, but like you it’s often the context, timing and past experiences that dictate the requisite levels of stress.

A big change for me was my mindset as I approached planning for my summer vacation.  With summer nearing I felt drawn back to Italy, even though I had written about going to Vietnam.  For some reason I felt as though I was stalling booking my trip and slowly but surely being seduced back into my old comfort zone of Italy.  I agree, what’s not to like right?

One of the two Entry Visa letters I need to carry
in transit along with two passport sized photos

However, not to be complacent or seduced by the fancies of Italy I spent Wednesday night researching the various options of getting to and from Vietnam, and eventually booked my flights late that night.  Yes, all nine of them on four different airlines to get to and from Hue and the beautiful South China Sea coastline.  Some interesting questions came up during my research (yes, I sometime speak to myself): “Do I use points or is it cheaper to pay for this leg?”, “Is it cheaper to fly via a different city vs. the obvious location?”...  So many choices and different combinations, all with no wrong answers, however this activity is not for the faint of heart and I can see why the traditional travel agent model still works – so many choices around carriers, flight times, connections etc.

 I even booked my visa online to which I've already been approved and have my entry letter from the Vietnamese government, now I just need two passport sized photos and my $45 USD fee on arrival.  Smartly, I’ve also been contacted by the company that I applied for my visa through asking me if I’d like to move to the front of the customs line on arrival for an extra $20.   Hell, at this point why not!

After booking and looking at the various travel sites and things to do in Vietnam, an inkling of doubt began to enter my mind, as expected, fear of change and doubt were back knocking at my door!  I tried to erase the very thought of fear or compromise, although the little voice in my head had lots of great reasons to doubt.

For example, how are you going to communicate the voice asked enquiringly?  At least when I go to Italy I have a smattering of Italian words which enables me to communicate on an, albeit rudimentary level…okay, my pidgin Italian isn't my strong suit, although depending on who you ask neither is my English. J

Summertime in Vietnam...yep, its going to be
hot and humid!   Yay

Hhmmm I knew I had to short circuit that damn voice, but to be completely honest I found myself quite stressed with the change.  Even though I had deliberately stated that was going to be my destination of choice this year.  My approach is that if I say it out-loud to others then I’m much more likely to follow through as its now in the public domain and expectations have been set.  A useful method to my madness I suppose and a great way for me to help the overall change process and quieten the voice of doubt in my head now that I'd backed myself into a corner.

Now that I have my destination and route mapped, hotels booked - what now?  Well, that’s the easy part! Although I'm sure many of you might be stressed when thinking in terms of what to pack for a journey like this.

For me packing is dead easy – working only with carry on for starters!   A colleague at work asked me what I was going to take…let me see, a couple of pairs of shorts (yes, its in the depths of summer and being relatively close to the equator is hot and sticky at the best of times, but in the depths of summer its going to be super hot).  As well, two or three t-shirts, plus the same number of tank tops, as well as a good pair of hiking shoes, some thongs (flip flops to the uneducated Australian lingo), toiletries and my camera, lens and extra battery…plus my Apple Air so I can blog during my adventure.

I guess some things don't change as I like to travel as light as possible and always have.  Yep, that pretty much sums it up – enough to fit in a small carry on backpack.  My mate Roscoe always said put out on your bed what you think you’ll need for the trip then only take half – words to live by I can tell you.

Now I can hear you all now taking a deep breath…don't worry I'll bring some washing detergent to clean my clothes while I'm there, plus its only a couple of weeks so no worries! 

I've also got a couple of nights in Hong Kong at the end of the trip and if necessary will buy a bag to bring back any trinkets that I acquire during my shopping extravaganza, so not totally frugal and minimalistic – just pragmatic! 

Now that I've booked my trip I definitely feel more at peace with my summer, although I must admit I'm already pining for Italy, over the years its just gotten so under my skin its hard to describe, but love it like a third home after Australia and Canada. 

Even for the most change friendly people change is hard…  J

All I can say is Vietnam here I come!

Some photos from my upcoming adventure:

Not exactly roughing it when I stay near Hue, Vietnam.  I rented a one bedroom bungalow
over the water on a lagoon adjacent to the South China Sea...

Dragon bridge in Da Nang.  I decided to fly from Hanoi to Da Nang for $100 for the one hour flight vs. $745
for the 50 minute flight from Hanoi to Hue...    Easy math really especially given that Da Nang is only an
hour away by car from where I'm staying vs. 45 min from Hue.

Bien Lang Co which I'm expecting to pass through on my way to Vedana from Da Nang
so gorgeous!

Always on

I've been on the go for the past two weeks - solid!  

First in Phoenix, or should I be more precise and say Scottsdale as I know the locals don't like them being confused.  It’s lost on me as to why they don't like it, especially considering they are adjacent to each other and equally beautiful or not as the case may be, but lets just go with the flow shall we.

My week in Scottsdale was spent immersed in managing and emceeing (I may have just made that word up…) for my companies Annual User conference.  The reality is that I love being on stage (ergo my year long Improv classes at Second City), and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  However, that being said the combination of time zone changes (2 hours) and being “on” all week was a complete drain on my energy and sleep levels.

Arriving back into Toronto last Friday night (yes, I missed my blog publishing deadline by a day) and then turning around to drive to Buffalo (3 hours with traffic) added to the sleepless state in which I found myself at the end of the conference.  As often happens I ended up with an enormous cold sore on my top lip (crap!)…    I can always sense it coming on, and its always the same; whenever I get overly tired and exhaust my energy stores over a prolonged period my immune system throws a tantrum…hello cold sore!

Just another day and another early wake up call...

The weekend ended rather abruptly and Monday evening saw me on a plane to Calgary for business (four hour flight), following quickly by an early morning team meeting before the three-hour prospect meeting for a big chunk of Tuesday. Wednesday morning started with a 4:30 am wake up call followed by a quick shower and taxi to the airport to make my 6:15 am flight to Toronto.

Arriving at lunchtime I went directly downtown to an afternoon meeting, which lasted till 4:30 pm, just enough time to make it up town to my counseling session at 5:00 pm.  Not having been home for ten days meant not having any groceries in the house, so after counseling I had to drop by my local Longos supermarket to pick up some essential supplies including dinner, which I ravenously devoured as soon as I got in the door (not a pretty sight!). 

Hang in there, not done yet!

Thursday saw me up and out the door by 7:15 am for an all day meeting downtown, yes, my Wednesday afternoon session had only been a dry run for the main event on Thursday.   The meeting albeit successful, was then followed by a series of conference calls until 5:30 pm. 

During the afternoon I'd also received a message from Sami’s soccer team manager asking if I could run training tonight as the head coach was stuck at work and knowing my background thought it was worth a try.  

Why not!   As my mum used to say “in for a penny, in for a pound”, so I drove over to her practice field just making it in time for the 6:00 pm training session.   Fortunately for me, I had a quickly researched and downloaded a Soccer Skills manual to my tablet, fished out my whistle and I was ready to go.

Mooredale Lightning U13 Soccer team

The girls on her team are a great bunch and so when I told them that George (coach) wasn't able to make it and that I was training them, they didn't bat an eye and were terrific as usual.  They trained hard and listened well, and therefore not a chore, but a very enjoyable time indeed.

After training, Sami and I picked up Zach from my ex’s house and grabbed some dinner on the way home, arriving just after 8:00 pm, and now faced with a load of washing (school clothes, including gym and soccer gear) that had to be ready for first thing this morning, I dug in zipped through my tasks reasonably quickly.

Fortunately Zach and Sami are really self sufficient and independent, finishing homework, showering and getting ready for bed was a breeze. 

Me, well after making a cursory check of my work email, penned a couple of quick ones in preparation for my Friday, finished the wash and finally got to bed around 11:30 pm.

When I met with my counselor (Lisa) on Wednesday afternoon, one of her first questions was “how are you doing?”  Hhhmmm, I had to pause and take stock - my initial response was “I’m feeling completely exhausted!”, but now that I write it all down I can see why.  J

Surprisingly, I've actually been able to get a couple of restful nights sleep since returning from Scottsdale where I slept so very poorly for the entire week and generally only got between two or three hours of sleep per night that its been a bit of a treat.  I guess it was the stress of being accountable for the success of the event (300 customers) as well as the role of emcee that pushed me to the limit and ensured that I was truly switched on all week long.

Now, I could put it down to a crazy couple of weeks, but in actuality - welcome to my life! 

Sometimes I wonder how we survive and cope mentally under these types of grinding schedules.  Clearly its been a contributing factor as to why I've been struggling recently with my emotional well being.  Thank you Sherlock Holmes! 

So when Lisa asked my what my plans were this weekend (she knew I didn't have Zach and Sami), I debated whether I should get on a plane for a trip somewhere or stay put with no plans…  How can I feel a guilty for not seeking out a distant adventure this weekend?  You tell me, but nonetheless I do…just a little.  Yes, I know you're reading this Lisa and smiling to yourself.

Tough decision, but in retrospect sitting here on my front porch having a glass of Brunello and writing my blog comes as close to serenity as I can get right now.  Perhaps I'll nip down to my basement after dinner and meditate with my “singing bowl” in the dark (gotta love it!)

Here’s to a tough couple of weeks - cheers!

p.s.  As an FYI the bugs also seem to like my Brunello  J

This weeks photos are a selection of ones I've taken over the past week or two  - enjoy!

Sami playing in the Amherst Memorial Tournament last weekend

Saguaro cactus against the night sky
Scottsdale, Arizona

The sweet Blues sounds of Lindi Ortega performing
at our User Conference last week in Scottsdale - simply amazing!

The big Arizona sky!

One of my favorite shots from my time in Arizona
Camelback Mountain, AZ

Zach relaxing in the sun at Sami's soccer tournament
Buffalo, NY

 

Cool artwork in Calgary - a two story high head wire frame
Calgary, AB