Ganesh and bowl

When I met with my counselor Lisa this week she uncovered one of my obsessions (my words not hers) and specifically my close association with lists.  I guess over the years they have served me well, especially in a hectic and often chaotic business settings that I frequent.  Although now having grown accustom to creating lists for everything, I must admit that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I check something off.

It all started with a simple enough question - Lisa asked me about my week and my plans for the weekend.  I gave her a brief rundown on my “agenda” (another fancy name for a list!).  No surprise, it wasn't a small number of items that I rattled off, all the while Lisa is looking at me blankly as I rambled on…and on…and on.

She looked at me quizzically and asked if I felt stress or uneasy if I didn’t get through my list.  Simple question really…   I paused and reflected for just a moment before saying that sometimes even after checking all the things on my list I still didn't feel satisfied or content and that I generally coped best by starting a new list.  J

In fact, as we talked the more I realized that even after my hike up the Cholla Trail in Scottsdale a month ago although I had wanted to spend some time at the top of the mountain sitting quietly, taking the breathtaking views and centering myself I just couldn't settle and felt antsy the whole time. 

Retrospect is a wonderful thing, as now it seems that my “list” that day was to (1) hike the mountain later in the day to miss the heat, (2) take some time at the top before (3) making my way back to the hotel before sunset.  Simple things really, but a list none-the-less!

Was I really that crazy?  (Don't answer that!)

Ganesh - my bringer of harmony and peace...

After me establishing the fact that I have a small obsession with lists, the topic of conversation slowly turned to “time for me”, and whether I allowed myself time where I wasn't completely programmed either with work, kids, taxi service, or have a list on the go.  Craftily without answering her question directly and smiling my best smile I told her that I bought two items earlier in the year – a Ganesh and my Singing bowl to help me meditate and find connectedness.

So, she asked – “how’s that going for you?”   She always cuts to the chase with those simple little questions...   "Crappy" I told her honestly.  Why is that? she asked curiously  Well for one, the noise is so loud in my head that I can't sit still I told her.   She gave a knowing sigh and nodded, looking at me expectantly.   That’s it I said!  I’ve tried it but I'm a complete failure at it – perhaps there’s something wrong with me I said.  How come I can't find peace and harmony, or mediate at the drop of a hat like everyone else I offered weakly.   Lisa sat looking at me completely nonplussed.

Its obvious that my mind can't seem to quiet down I went on, the various voices and thoughts constantly running through my head are like being at a Led Zeppelin concert they're so loud, this is particularly true when I find myself in complete silence…like if I try and meditate…hhhmmm.

I've used my singing bowl on a few occasions, but even getting past a minute sitting in my basement on the mat, in the semi-darkness skimming the edge of the bowl is mentally challenging, although the sound is soothing I feel so impossibly restless…all the time!

My singing bowl - such a powerful and haunting sound that it creates
I love feeling the vibration run up my arm into my spine and head

Even having my Ganesh ever present isn't as peaceful as what I’d hoped.  Initially I had purchased him and the bowl at the same time from Snow Lion at Danforth and Pape.  My purchasing experience had been wonderful and I had high hopes that by seeing Ganesh every day that it would trigger the thoughts of peace and harmony in me and help coax me into a little mediation and perhaps a better mental space.

Easier said than done I’m afraid.  So far, I've been unsuccessful in effectively utilizing either Ganesh (although he is a particularly handsome little statue) or my singing bowl beyond a cursory whirl.  As you can tell by my tone I hate it when I’m unsuccessful at something!   Isn't it interesting that I feel the need to fill every waking moment with activity, accomplishments and getting things done, yet I desperately crave a moment or two of complete and utter peace and contentment not bound by the frenetic whirlwind I call my life.

Toward the end of our session we talked about the concept of "self care", and things that I do just for myself. She asked me to tell her what some of these were, but as I started out my self care list was embarrassingly sparse...   It was clear after rambling for sometime that Lisa was onto me.  Hence, my homework this week is to try and not make a list, but to just “be”, in whatever form that takes.  

Its Friday night and already I've caught myself a number of times planning what I've got to get done tomorrow and in what order (cos’ that just me).  Even as I sit here writing this weeks blog I’m really trying to not plan ahead but take it as it comes, but the very thought of going into a day without a set agenda, list or plan makes me completely jittery.  

So between no lists and trying to do some things just for me (which all sounds so decadent and a tad wasteful I might add), I think I'm in for an interesting time, especially beyond the weekend.  Adopting a new mindset was never going to be easy - if it was I'd already be there (yes, in Contentment-ville)  I'm sure I'll get over it, but this elusive little quest may take a while...deep breaths Terence, deep breaths!

Feel free to channel your inner thoughts to me, now say it with me "peace and contentment".